The Power of the Tongue: How Hurtful Words Lead to Damaged Relationships

In the course of a day, thousands upon thousands of words pass through our lips. That’s to say nothing of the text messages, posts on social media, and emails that pass through our fingers every hour of every day. Our words are how we convey our intentions, desires, expectations, fears, dreams, encouragement, and so much more. They can serve a positive purpose in our lives and our interactions with others, but they can also be hurtful words that are destructive.

The Bible speaks a lot about how our words matter. They can get you in trouble if you speak dishonestly or out of turn in front of a superior (Proverbs 16:13), they can bring healing to those that need balm for their souls (Proverbs 16:24), and they can build others up and benefit the people that listen to you (Ephesians 4:29). One biblical proverb puts it in stark terms, saying,

The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit – Proverbs 18:21, NIV

You can use your words in ways that bring life to others, but with your words, you can also burn your life and the lives of others around you to the ground. Your tongue can convey a small taste of heaven to others, but it can also be “a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell” (James 3:6, NIV).

Hurtful words and broken relationships

In our relationships, our words can bring healing, or they can break others as well as those relationships. This can happen in several ways, including when we gossip about others.

Gossip is when you either take information that was confided in you and tell others about it or when you talk to other people about someone in a way that you wouldn’t if they were present. Gossip can stir up conflict, damage reputations, or separate friends.

Besides gossip, we can spread false stories about other people. This can happen because we’re angry at them and want to hurt them in some way. Anger can also lead to us saying hurtful things even to the people that we love.

When you’re angry, you can lose your inhibitions and say things that you wouldn’t ordinarily. In that state of fight or flight, you can attack a loved one using your words and hit them where it hurts most.

When you’re in a conflict situation with a loved one, there is often an emotional rift between you. You can work to close that rift by using kind, gracious, and wise words that help the other person understand that you care for them and that you understand their perspective, even though you disagree. However, you can make a bad situation worse by not listening to them, or by being harsh and inconsiderate in your responses toward them.

Another way our words can cause harm to others is when we are abusive toward others. We can use our words to insult or humiliate others. Through constant criticism, we can undermine another’s self-confidence. Words can be used to manipulate or twist the truth to our advantage. We can also use words to avoid accountability and shift blame when our loved ones seek to keep us honest.

Our relationships can be places of nurture and growth. The Lord intended our relationships to strengthen us, meet our needs, and be places where we can serve one another. Through our actions, but also importantly through our words, we can bring life and healing to others. Hurtful and thoughtless words can lead to broken relationships.

Addressing hurt caused in relationships

Words have an impact on a person’s well-being, and poorly chosen and hurtful words can cause serious harm. However, just because you’ve caused harm to another person that you have a relationship with doesn’t mean that’s the end of the story. It’s possible to restore the relationship and effectively address the issues raised through graceless words. Some of the steps you can follow include the following:

Recognize how powerful words are

Don’t underestimate how powerful your words are. Hopefully, that should make you slow down and consider your words before you utter them.

Learn how to express yourself

Some of the struggles we have with words stem from not having the vocabulary or patience to express our difficult, complicated, or vulnerable thoughts and feelings. Learning how to express these things well will help us navigate our relationships better.

Apologize

Approach the person you’ve hurt and apologize sincerely, naming how you’ve hurt them, and setting out how you’ll do better and remain accountable. It’s up to them whether they choose to forgive you, but you can still change and use your words judiciously going forward.

Deal with your anger appropriately

Instead of either hiding your anger by expressing it in passive-aggressive ways like giving the silent treatment or gossiping, or exploding in anger, you can learn to express your anger appropriately. Through anger management counseling, you can learn the tools to help you rein in your anger and express it appropriately.

Would you like to seek the counsel of a professional to help you change the way you use the power of the tongue? Reach out to our office today and we can help you set up a risk-free appointment.