Even the happiest relationships have some areas of conflict in them. Some of these conflicts are longstanding, but others may erupt due to unwelcome changes in circumstances. Whatever the situation, being able to address conflict well is a skill that can benefit any type of relationship. It’s also important to understand where conflicts come from, as that can help you nip them in the bud where possible.
The sources of relationship conflict
Whether we’re talking about a work relationship, the parent-child relationship, friendship, a romantic connection, or the relationship between next-door neighbors, conflict emerges from a few common sources.
Most of us don’t want to be embroiled in conflict, and we would rather have warm, congenial relationships with others. Being aware of where conflict comes from can help in addressing the issue more effectively as well as preemptively narrowing down possible sites of conflict.
Some of the more common sources of relationship conflict include the following:
Different personalities
People have different thresholds for jokes, some people are calm and collected while others are easily riled up, some are exact and exacting while others don’t mind being looser about things in their life. All this is a recipe for tension and frustration between people. Having a different outlook on life and handling situations differently due to differing personalities can be a source of conflict.
Poor communication
Different personalities don’t account for every conflict. Vastly different people can still work and live well together, provided they have good communication. As such, poor communication is an even more foundational cause and source of conflict. Misspeaking or keeping mum can lead to unmet goals, mismatched expectations, and working at cross purposes.
Different conflict styles
A likely unexpected source of conflict is how people handle conflict itself. Some people come out swinging, while others are conflict-averse, choosing rather to avoid conflict altogether. Even people with the same conflict styles can end up unnecessarily escalating the problem. Engaging in conflict in a healthy way, including de-escalating well and refusing to sling mud or assault each other’s character can help reduce conflict now and in the future.
Hardship and difficult circumstances
When everything is right as rain and going according to plan, conflict can happen, though infrequently or with low intensity. When things go wrong – sickness, job loss, financial problems, career setbacks, relationship failure – people are more likely to snap at, level blame toward, and disparage one another. All this can initiate or exacerbate conflict.
Unmet expectations
If someone was supposed to take the trash out or make a payment, or if they were meant to show up to support you but didn’t, that can be a huge source of conflict. Sometimes these expectations are communicated, in other cases, they are assumed; either way, when a person is disappointed if they feel that the expectation and their disappointment are legitimate, it can be ground zero for conflict in the relationship.
Friction and the human condition
Lying over these various sources of conflict is the pall of the human condition. Our world is broken, and we are broken right along with it. We misunderstand one another, sometimes deliberately.
Sometimes, we pursue conflict and seek to create it rather than act as peacemakers. When our pride is insulted, even if we are wrong, we are reluctant to admit it or back down. We can be selfish in our desires, focused on our needs and well-being above that of others.
The twin Biblical commands of loving God with everything that we have and are, and loving our neighbors as ourselves (Mark 12: 30-31) founder against our fallen human nature. James expressed this when he wrote:
What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures – James 4: 1-3, NIV
From a Christian perspective, the ultimate source of conflict within ourselves and between people are these conflicting, disordered, and sometimes inordinate desires. With help, one can begin understanding these desires and learn how to handle difficult emotions like disappointment and anger.
If you find yourself mired in conflict in your relationships, reach out and speak to a Christian counselor to get the help you need.
“Flowers”, Courtesy of Donna G, Unsplash.com, CC0 License
Kate Motaung: CuratorKate Motaung is the Senior Writer, Editor, and Content Manager for a multi-state company. She is the author of several books including Letters to Grief, 101 Prayers for Comfort in Difficult Times, and A Place to Land: A Story of Longing and Belonging...
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